“Right Ginger Tail, just pass me my funny wig and help me into my nice red robes.” I said. “Yes my lord, they make you look like Santa Claus” replied Ginger Tail. “We’ll have less of your cheek!” I said sternly. I took a quick look in the mirror, and being most impressed with what I saw, I instructed my servant to lead on. Ginger Tail opened the door, and walked ahead of me. As I entered the room, wise Old Black Tom, the Clerk of the Court, stood up and announced in a very solemn voice, “All rise for Lord Albert The Cat.” Everyone in the court stood up and I strolled to my throne behind the big bench in the front. There was a nice fluffy cushion on it, ideal for a quick snooze. I was patting it down with my paws when I heard the words of Old Black Tom, “The court is now in session, pray silence for Lord Chief Justice Albert The Cat.” “I thought it was Santa Claus” said a voice from the back that sounded suspiciously like Tabby.I nodded, and everyone sat down. “Righto” I… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
I’m a bit annoyed today. “You mean you are not your normal cheery self?” Far from it, in fact I’m downright fed up, but thank you for your concern. What has caused this distressing state of affairs I hear you ask. Well, we’ve had visitors. As regular readers will know, I hate visitors – without fail they cause problems, and this lot were no exception.
The tell tale signs were there from early this morning. The housekeeping staff were rushing around arguing with each other as they tidied the place up. My breakfast prawns were an afterthought. The one I don’t trust hardly bothered to thaw them out for me. What!!! I hear you cry, Bert has to make do with frozen prawns rather than freshly caught ones? Yes, I’m afraid standards are slipping. What is this world coming to? Apparently the pretty one is having a few friends round for coffee. Anyway, after I had crunched through the prawns, the vacuum cleaner came out. Dreadful thing, gets on my nerves. It really sucks! “You… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
Hello again. I’m not really sure why you’ve all turned up here today. I’ve got nothing much to say. I think I must be suffering from writer’s block, whatever that is. “Thank goodness for that!” What, how rude! We can do without that sort of comment thank you very much! Perhaps I’ll just start rambling away, and see where it leads us. “Same as normal then!” I don’t believe it, we can do without him as well - it’s Tabby, my poncy brother. I thought he was asleep in the vegetable patch - amongst his intellectual equals! Ho Ho Ho… Bear with me while I get rid of him………………………… That’s better, now where were we?
Did you all have a nice weekend? I had a very quiet one, nothing much happened. I spent some time thinking, must have been all of five minutes. It does us all good to reflect now and again I pondered as I sat in front of the mirror. What’s that awful grating noise I hear you ask - I’m afraid it’s the sound of a barrel being scraped. I’ve no sympathy for you,… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
Welcome back. I’m still glowing in the success of my award earlier in the week, when I was voted the greatest cat of all time in the entire universe, or something like that. Firstly today, I’d like to thank all those who have sent notes congratulating me on my success. However, words are cheap, and the lack of prawns has been duly noted! Anyway, in my current benevolent mood, I am prepared to forgive this oversight.
My new found celebrity status set me thinking. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, there’s no telling where it will end!” Who said that, how rude. Perhaps I am the greatest cat that has ever lived! Only one thing for it, I will go and have a word with wise Old Black Tom. I found him in his usual place, asleep on the back wall. He is a very clever cat, the fount of all knowledge in fact - there is nothing he does not know. “Who are you?” he asked. That’s a good start I thought. “It’s me Bert” I said. “Correct!” he replied. See, I told you, not much gets past him. “I would… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
Good day to you all, and what a momentous day it is too. You are all very fortunate to be joining me on such an occasion. You’ll never guess what has happened. I’ve won a gong. The highly respected Anipal Academy have seen fit to bestow upon my good self, the award for “Favourite Blog” and best looking cat (they forgot to mention this bit - presumably there was insufficient room for the inscription) 2010. One can only admire the sound judgement and good taste of such an august body. You can see further details on their website, along with a list of winners of the lesser prizes - CLICK HERE.
Now, before I continue, you have all probably noticed the error with the trophy. It purports to show a cats paw, but as we all know, pure bred feral cats like what I am, have six toes. Still, just this once, I think we can overlook the slight.
Unfortunately I could not attend the international award ceremony in person due to a minor visa problem. I need a rabies jab to get back into the country… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
Hey man - what day is it? What’s happened? Where am I? Where have I been? I’ve lost a couple of days. I feel terrible. My head feels like it’s full of cotton wool. “No change there then.” Who said that? Oh no, it’s only Tabby, that poncy brother of mine. He’s the last thing I need today. I’ll ignore him.
Ah now, wait a minute, things are starting to become clearer. The last thing I remember is dozing in the evening sun. The one I don’t trust was sitting talking to the pretty one. He had a little pot in his hand which he had brought back from the garden centre. “They’ll like that” she said, “it says on the label that it attracts cats.” He seemed less than enthused. “Attracts cats! We’ve already got three of the damn things” he said, “how many more do you want?” She gave him one of her looks! He is very ungrateful at times, after all he doesn’t have to live in my house if he doesn’t want to.He looked around the garden wondering where he should plant it. After a long and thoughtful… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
Well, where were we? oh yes - you will no doubt all be relieved to know that I managed to get down from that tree where I was marooned. The nasty, snappy little Jack Russell eventually tired itself out what with all that yapping. It was sitting at the bottom panting away, when my pal Riley wandered past. Now regular readers will know that Riley is a somewhat large ginger cat, with the physique of a baby elephant. His previous encounter with the Jack Russell ended with the miserable mutt belly-up in the middle of a rose bush. Fearing a repeat performance the nasty little thing scampered off rather sharpish with it’s tail between it’s legs.
“Hello old boy” said Riley, “I think it’s safe for you to come down now.” With some difficulty, me and my poncy brother climbed down the tree. “I’m most deeply obliged” I said to Riley as I arrived at the bottom in a crumpled heap. “Think nothing off it old boy” he replied, “how did you get yourself into such a predicament in the first place?” I… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
I don’t know where the time goes. “You spend most of it sleeping!” Who said that? It’s Tabby, that poncy brother of mine again. As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted, time seems to fly past. Do you know it is seven days since I was last here - that is very nearly a week I think.
You’ll be pleased to know, that I have not wasted the time, despite what Tabby thinks. I have discovered a new hobby. As regular readers will know, I have many varied intellectual interests, such as ornithology, horticulture, gastronomy, and of course late night ratting amongst the garbage bins in the back alley. Well over the last few days, I have taken up lepidoptery - “are there no end to your talents Bert” I hear you cry. “There most certainly are!” Heaven forbid, it’s that pesky Tabby again. Bear with me a minute while I chase him off………………………………………………. That’s better, we can continue without his unnecessary contribution.
Now, I realise that most of you are… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
Well, here we are again at the start of a new week. I’ve had a very interesting few days, since I was with you last. As you know, I have been taking an interest in the World Cup. I was most disappointed when my team, the indomitable lions of Cameroon were eliminated on a mere technicality - they scored less goals than the opposition. I wasn’t sure who I should follow after that, so I went off to ask for advice from wise Old Black Tom - he is a very clever cat and knows everything. “Who’s going to win the world Cup” I asked. “No idea” he said. I explained my predicament about who to support. Old Black Tom thoughtfully sucked on a tooth and told me that in Korea, they are very partial to cats. That’s nice I thought I will follow them, they are bound to win. Would you believe it, they only went and lost as well.The blow was softened by yesterday’s shenanigans. That’s a good word for a cat isn’t it. No idea what it means but I must make a note to use it more often. England were… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
What a day this is! I’ve eventually managed to catch one. “What? An unpleasant dose fleas!” Who said that? How rude! How very rude! No not fleas, after years of trying I caught a bird this morning. How about that then, I actually caught a bird? I knew you would be impressed. It was huge, with vicious sharp talons and a massive hooked beak. It put up fierce resistance, but in the end it was no match for a cat with my highly honed hunting skills. I reckon it was an eagle! “An eagle! It was a geriatric sparrow, you should be ashamed of yourself. I would have thrown it back.” What, who said that? It’s my poncy brother - he is always sticking his nose where it’s not wanted. I wish he would clear off.Now’ let me tell you how this stirring event occurred. I was prowling amongst undergrowth at the bottom of the garden, when the mighty bird alighted on the grass. Without making a sound, I crept round behind the shed and took up position in amongst the cauliflower plants. Using all my feline… (Read the rest of this article at the following article source link for the full story)
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I nodded, and everyone sat down.
